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In my Peace and Well-Being in an Age of Anxiety course at Boise State University, students and I are using Buddha’s Brain by Rick Hanson and recently  came across the compelling phrase “unilateral virtue.”

Hanson says, “Virtue sounds lofty, but it’s actually down to earth. It simply means living from your innate goodness, guided by principle. When you are virtuous no matter what other people do, their behavior is not controlling you.

He continues, “As a therapist, I’ve seen many couples in which each person says essentially the same thing, “I’ll treat you well after you treat me well.” They’re stuck in a standoff — which neither of them truly wants - because they’re each letting the other person determine their behavior.

On the other hand, when you are unilaterally virtuous, you head directly toward your own enlightened self-interest whether or not the other person cooperates. It feels good to be good, enjoying ‘the bliss of blamelessness’ with a  mind untroubled by guilt or regret. Staying principled fosters inner peace by reducing wrangles that would otherwise weigh on your mind...Doing the right thing draws on both head and heart” (p. 146).

It occurs to me how our world would change overnight if just 10% of the population decided to live this way. 

And it occurs to me how my life and the world I interact with would change immediately if I apply unilateral virtue to several areas of my life.

Hanson gives the example of the Wise Speech section of Buddhism’s Noble Eightfold Path: “Say only what is well-intended, true, beneficial, timely, expressed without harshness or malice, and - ideally - what is wanted.”  Hanson decided to take up the precept of never speaking or acting our of anger and found that it forced him to slow down in interactions, to avoid making matters worse by pouring gasoline of anger on a smoldering fire, and to feel down below the anger for the real issue (e.g., hurt, worry, guilt). This leads to feeling good about ourselves and to know that we can stay in control and not add our own reactivity to a tense situation.

He quickly adds that this doesn’t mean not speaking up for ourselves and others in situations where boundaries are crossed and need to be re-established.

That being said, I felt a wave of “dis-comfort” in reading his example, knowing that something was pinging my heart and calling me out. 

I have a list of missteps throughout my life that are directly connected to my reactivity coming out of my mouth and making tense situations worse. 

I don’t like to admit this or write it down for anyone to see. 

But I see it.

And, since I’m doing these challenges (that includes taking this writing challenge another 30 days), I figure it is time to bring this intention into the foreground and to work with it explicitly.

So, here goes my version:

I never speak or act out of anger.

When angry, I wait to speak and act by staying in touch with my deeper feelings and wants, taking responsibility for getting my needs met, communicating primarily for myself, experiencing my truth as I speak it, and preserving my fundamental orientation of compassion and kindness. 

Shorter: I never speak or act out of anger. When angry, I wait to speak and act by allowing myself to accept and feel what is in my body. I embrace what is present. 

I have no doubts that I will have moments where I veer off of the road, but the signpost of my intentions will be there to remind me to get right back on and to act wisely and compassionately in the present. 

I never speak or act out of anger.

It is so interesting how it is necessary to use the word “never” to really feel this sink into my heart. It flushes out the opposite of the pair that I might work with it in the present. That opposite is “I do speak and act out of anger sometimes.” 

And while this may seem like word play, try it out for yourself. Find a statement that connects to a unilateral virtue that you want to establish in your heart. 

And then play around with words like “always”,  “never”, and “sometimes”. Feel it in your body. You will notice that there is an energy to these words and their implications. Choose the one the seems to fit your intention.

I never speak or act out of anger. I always speak and act out of wisdom, love, truth and compassion.

For now, I’m just going with the simple “I never speak or act out of anger.” 

That is actually enough. Those 8 words will guide me where I need to go and be a clear signpost along the way.

And it will be fun to chronicle this journey into a place that has been calling me for some time.

Update: in the brief time between writing this and getting ready to publish it, I have had plenty of opportunities to practice and this is much more of a challenge than I anticipated, especially with my family. I am noticing how reactive I have been with anger and how it seeps out in words and actions in very subtle ways. Just after I walked the dog tonight, I felt quite misunderstood by a family member and I could feel myself getting ready to say something that was being birthed from the anger. 

As I was getting ready to just react, I heard “I never speak or act out of anger.” 

And that actually kind of “made” me angrier! Haha! I felt so justified in my initial reaction. 

However, since this is now an experiment and a bit of a game, I gave myself a pause, took a deep breath, felt the sensations in the body, evaluated whether or not I needed to say anything at all, and watched as the feeling passed. 

It was quite temporal. Less than 30 seconds. But it was really hot at first and the impulse was very strong.  

And I realized how I have been letting other people and external situations too much control over my behavior.  Thus, the need for a universal virtue that I abide in and by.

Yeah. I have found something in my life that needs to be purified by this fire. Here we go!

As Hanson says, “Virtue sounds lofty, but it’s actually down to earth. It simply means living from your innate goodness, guided by principle. When you are virtuous no matter what other people do, their behavior is not controlling you.”


Peace.