Spinning. The latest round of vision therapy has sent my world swirling around and around and around.
This time, I don’t feel safe driving or biking. Constant nausea, dizziness, and headaches are making for some pretty tough days.
I admit that I am struggling. This is hard. I don’t like it. I want out. I want this two-year season to be over. I was so angry the other night that I chopped up our woodpile like a madman. I was splitting hardwood logs with knots as though they were dry pine. I was loosing a guttural, primal scream with each swing. I was so done with feeling so lousy.
And then I just stood, axe in hand, and wept. Not because I felt sad. Not because I felt helpless. But because I just knew and felt that it is all okay. All is well. Not that it is “going to be” well. But, all is well right now. And when you experience “all is well” in the midst of a personal hell, that is something that takes your breath from you and lays you bare and thankful and weeping like a child…axe in hand.
Live the life you can. My mantra this season. Well, one of them. I even practice it sometimes 😉. I now get to walk my kids to and from school. It has been amazing. Time off the bike has made me more thankful for the bike and the amazing community of cyclists I know.
Being in pain and changing my relationship with pain helps me relate to others who are in pain, or who will be. This season has connected me to healing practices that I get to share. I am experiencing wholeness in the midst of brokenness. At my core, I’m more full of life and love and joy and peace and hope than ever before.
And all really is well, even if it’s not going the way I planned.
So, let the spinning continue until it’s done. Looks like about three minutes left on the timer. But then that timer hasn’t ever been too accurate.